As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
