non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize