I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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