This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You are the jesus of drinking
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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