dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
