You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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