At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
