4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
