My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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