he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
