that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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