Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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