Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
