Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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