i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
