ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
