No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
