I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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