what if every blade of grass was a penis?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
