i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
