the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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