why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
