I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
