I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
