I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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