The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
