just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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