Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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