If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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