Who wears a wallet chain?!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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