Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
