i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
