i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize