why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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