People with herpes should wear stickers.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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