shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
