Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just pee around me
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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