My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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