My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just pee around me
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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