Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I intend to get homeless drunk
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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