mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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