Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
