I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
