We're facebook friends in real life
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
