Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
