1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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