She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You pole danced in your parka.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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