Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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