Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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