i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
