Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
