If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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