Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
