Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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