Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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