i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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