She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
