It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I need moral support for this bender
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
