Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
