Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You smell like stripper and shame
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
