I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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