I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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