More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize