im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
